UUUPPPDAAATEE!!!

ok sooo i have been wayyyy M.I.A-ing it for like 4mons now. it's about that time i come back on this thing and blab a little.

ok so for the past 4mons, i moved from fullerton to a house in la, then to another spot just last week after my 21st bday. i basically don't even know HOW to begin this blog because there's just been tooo many things that happened within the timeframe and idk which to pick out and talk about.

SUMMER BREAK:
did alotta beach trips this year.. mostly to venice tho. idk why. ahah. my bro and kayla [his gf] came down a couple times to visit. oh! btw, did i mention that tupes got my car impounded for 30days? ughz.. it was my fault tho. i let him drive.. stoofeed me. blahh. but anyway.. aside from that.. beaches and chillin was basically all we did this summer other than moving. ughz.. such a hassle. i hate moving.
iiii have been M.I.A from school too. bad, yes, i know. but my plannn was to find a job before summer ends to just work and save up money for a while since i moved out to LA. i thought there'd be helluva job opps out here.. well, there is.. its just.. i can't get a damn job! ughz.. soooo sick and tired of being effin broke. other than not being able to find a real job, i'm babysitting tupes' nieces, katelyn&kamille until i do find one. tupes' on the other hand, is working at the family video store. good for him. but i still need a job!!

FALL:
tell me whyyyy right when it hits october.. it ALWAYS has to rain. like i remember back in high school, the homie dante said something real funny about the month turning into october and the weather being all bad or something. well anyway LOL. just random thought there. umm ok. soooo basically.. my bday week was pretty hectic. i started planning on my 21st bday shindigs like.. a month before.. maybe two. but i had toonnnns of funnnn.
-oct. 7 my family came to la as a "surprise", but i totally already knew. LOL. that night, i PLANNED on having dinner at boiling crab, some bomb ass crawfish restaurant, but that didn't pull through. so instead, when they came.. me and tupers took em to sunday bistro and had dinner there. ading didn't like his food, but i hope my mom&don did. LOL.
-oct. 8 we allll went to disneyland! how fun is that?!! i already knew my mom and them were gunna end up coming with us too kus, heller, wth were they going to do that whole day?? sooo, disneyland was a whole bunch of coolies. we took kate&kamille along with us too. we all had so much fun ahah. and later on that night, abi came and we went to the club. me, being 21, the bouncer gave me a heart instead of a circle. ahah. how niiice. not much to tell about that night, turning 21 just gives it away. i was fuuuuuuucked up!! ughz. tell me why within the span of 30min, from the moment i got inside level 3, i couldn't remember anything else that happened that night?!! let's see.. crystal welcomed me with a double shot of henny, then myron with a double shot of mixed 151 AND jager [ughz YUCK!], then after thaaat, geo bought me an adios! wowwww. ok all of THAT in just minutes apart.. talk about adios mutha fuckaaaa!!!
-oct. 9 i was tooooo hung over to drink again, when i planned on goin to highlands. but good thing i didn't kus abi wasn't 21 anyway. so we just chilled with kristine, MG, & zixin + bfs and ate at rockin crawfish then saw the scariest movie everrrr, paranormal activity. oyyyy. that movie haunts me until nowwww. it's just too damn freaky. overall, GREAT night out with friends and their bfs :]]]
-oct. 10 i had a party at ashley's. got my bottle of hpnotiq STOLEN that night and guess by whom. MARJAI AND ASHLEY! ughz.. seriously.. i'm annoyed by them every since.
-oct. 11 i had a bbq at the house we were stayin at. that was our last weekend there.. sooo i just wanted it chill and just with close friends. it was just with kristine and them. pretty chill. i felt bad for tony tho.. LOL. he became the cook for some weird reason. he kina just.. took over. ahaha. oh! and darn MG for those mind games! gosh. makes people feel stupid yanno??? ahahha. and that night.. we planned on going to universal on the 23rd for fright fest. yayyy. ima be scared shitless over there. ahah. oh well!! funnn times with friends!

whewww. sooo i guess that's an overview of some things that happened. me and bubbas had our 19mons 2days ago. i felt bad because we didn't spend the day together. he was at work, and i was suppose to be there to just chill and hang around.. but i haven't really been eating lately, so i felt super sick and weak, plus i had a fat ass headache. blahhh. it's all good tho. we both know we love each other. :]]] HAPPY 19mons BUBBAS!!

ummm.. other than thaaaattt.. i've just been catching up with some old friends!! ughz. feels reeeaaal good to reconnect with them. been catching up with absterz tooo. yeeeumps. *sigh. good friends they areee. :]]]

this is a long blog.. probably the longest i've done? nahh idk. but it deserves to be since i haven't been on this thing in a whiiiile. ahah.
mmk. that's it for now. getting sleepy. blahhhh.
gnight.


♥piapiaaa

ITEMS FOR SALE!

I am moving and I can not bring everything with me. I have plenty of furniture to sell as well as interior decor. Some items won't be available to pick up UNTIL my last day here; these items are indicated.

items for sell are listed below: [some items not pictured]
-2door fridge: $500 O.B.O [available to pick up 06/28]
-large corner couch: $20
-lounge seat/chairs wtv u call em: $30/ea.; $50 for both

-mattresses: twin mattress: $30 [available to pick up 06/28]
-radio: $25

-stools: $15/ea; $25 for both

-6cup rice cooker: $20

-outdoor glass table: $15

-plate set: $40 consists of 6 plates, 6 sm. plates, 4 regular bowls, 1 lg bowl, & 5cups

-plastic lawn chairs: $3/ea.

-interior decor: $3+ ea.


-lamps: floor lamp: $10; desk lamp: $5

-fan: $15 [available to pick up 06/28]

-grill: $25

-hose: $15

-and a tub of great fashionable clothes [men, women, kids]: prices vary for ea. item in tub


IF INTERESTED IN ANY ITEM FOR SALE; CONTACT ME AT 209 351 4255.

......

i don't really know what's gunna happen. i don't want to give up.. but it seems like someone already has. things are different and we both know it. and it won't be fair to hold on if the other already let go. it's a hard process to go through.. wondering if the end is coming soon.

we have our differences and our similarities.. and our similarities are the things that get in the way. we're too much a like for our own good. we butt heads because of it.. and because we butt heads, we're drifting apart. i don't want us to be but i can't help it. i can't save us if he's not willing to be saved.

that's all i have to say. nothing will change if we don't agree to change to make us better. i don't know what else to look forward to anymore. other than another argument the day after next. it's overwhelming and neither of us can take it.

you've obviously never been in a relationship like this. a relationship that requires patience, trust, honesty. and loyalty. i'm just sick and tired of hearing the same bullshit over and over. idk.. idk what's left..

"so what we gon have? dessert or disaster?"

... disaster.

you just ended it.

his words

him (4:57:16 PM): only reason why i trip out so much and take things up the ass is because ur with ur ex. and i kno for a fact u would be da same too. things like dat get to me no matter what. and why i stick with u cuz ur da only one dat has treated me like da best. like im worth being with. ok yeah i do turn things around and im sryy. dats jst me. if u cant deal wit it then dnt. i love to deal with all da bullshit u give me. shows dat u do love me. and i wish u feel da same. me doin all da shows i really do love you. and like what i sed i wnt end it cuz i dnt want to. i want us to be together for a long time. as in a long ass time ! we both need to work on more things. i thought it was it but i guess we have alot as in alot to work on. so yeah. im not leavin u. and i promised and swore to u alredy dat i wnt. so i hope ur not jst giving up like dat. i love you jst remember that ok ! always ! and dat comment i wrote u, "this will be the first and last time we leave eachother like dis for so long even tho its only 5 days." now we know how shit is when we are apart. i never want this to happen again. im sryy for i hurt u and shit. its all out of love babe. and i jst wish u say sryy too instead of goin at it with me when we argue. cuz u kno im always like dis. and what do i do i always so sryyy. so yeah. ill see u later on tonight. sryy. i love and miss you so much babe. mwauhs. plzz come home safe. i misss you... =/

away message

without trust.. there is no love.



i do trust you
therefore i love you.

believe it or not.
you make me feel the greatest and the
lowest scum on earth all in one day.
you're a challenge and i
like challenge.
but enough is enough
and i can only handle so much.
please leave if this is how you feel.
i won't stop you.

for my mom

So today was Mother's Day and it's so funny how my mom texted me
"where are you ate? what are you doing? do you kno what today is?"

i giggled after i read it. but i didn't reply kus i was still sleeping. and THEN she called me. just casually starting a conversation about how i'm doing. if i'm getting better, kus i've been sick. and NO people! i do NOT have no effin swine flu! and so she goes
"oh ok. just making sure you're alright. i'll talk to you later then ate"

and i knoooo she was waiting for me to say something.. which i did anyway.. before she hung up. i told her happy mother's day. but what i really wanted to do was send her a poem that i could think of from the top of my head just so she knows its from me and from my heart you know? so after i got off the phone with her, i waited like half an hour.. and then i texted her

"you should've waited. i was still
sleeping when you texted me. kus the
nyquil is still in my system. but anyway:

roses are red, violets are blue
the best mom award goes out to you
----------------------------------------
For everything you've done
I thank you with all my heart.
You've been through everything for me
from the very start.

Todays the day
you'll get all your glory
When everyone will thank you
or even say sorry.

I love you I love you I love

what else can I say

Thank you thank you thank you

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY"

i made her cry. totally not my intention. but.. i've never really shown any affection to my mom other than telling her 'i love you' through the phone. my mom means all the world to me. and i just wanted to show her some appreciation for everything she's gone through just to put me in college and for supporting me. she's the toughest woman i know. and i everything i know outside of school, i learned from her. she's the best in world, even though all of us can say that about our moms. but seriously, if you get to know my mom, she'll take you in as her own child and care for you like she cares for me.

i love her.

my bestfriend. my mom. my everything.

Why Women Cry -from MG

Why Women Cry (Watch Her Eyes)

A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?” “Because I’m a woman , ” she told him.

“I don’t understand , ” he said. His Mom just hugged him and said , “And you never will.”

Later the little boy asked his father , “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”

“All women cry for no reason , ” was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man , still wondering why women cry…

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone , he asked , “God , why do women cry so easily?”

God said

“When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up , and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances , even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife , but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally , I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.”

“You see my son , ” said God , “the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears , the figure that she carries , or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes , because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.”

i fell in love all over again

Ryan Conferido from Quest Crew's piano pieces are dope. Listen and you'll fall in love too.

Lullaby


Girl Don't Cry


Flowers for Julia


My Miracle


Miracle 2



Seriously, Ryan's super talented. I love it.
There's plenty more videos from his youtube account. Check 'em out.

need

i need a job
-to support myself
-to [help] support my family
-to support tupes
-to pay for rent
-to pay for bills
-to pay everyone i owe back

i need to do better in school
-to impress my mom, my family, &not let them down
-to finish in time, 2011 is the year
-to know i can finish what i've started &never give up
-to get where i want to be

i need
-to handle my shit and get things going
-to know what & what not to do
-to get my head screwed on straight &realize i'm getting old enough to take care of myself
-to start relying on myself because no one else will help me
-to just be thankful for what i have now just in case everything goes away

just try

i hate the weather
it makes me feel all kinds of lazy.
i couldn't sleep last night
because i was seriously going crazy

everytime i think that
i was finally falling asleep
i get this stupid itchy feeling
and i kept hearing this annoying beep!

ughz. hot weather all week i heard
not too excited about that.
at least it'll be a little cooler tomorrow
maybe until sat.

summers coming up
and my body's not prepared.
i will work out, i will get fit
i will get a body i can compare

but before i start
i have sushi left over.
i shall eat that now
before its eaten by the lover.

i barely do poetry
i always get so shy.
but i thought to myself,
hey, why don't you just try.

friends, how many of us have them?

FRIENDS. i don't think i really know what the definition of a "friend" is anymore. like seriously, my "friends" KNOW i'd help them out in a heartbeat if i can. i'll take them in if they need a place to stay. lend them money and treat them out if they're low on cash. lend them my car even if it's just a fuckin bucket. but who cares right. a car is a car. as long as it works and it takes you to your destination right? ughz. but really tho. some of these "friends" that i have aren't being real helpful "friends". they know the situation i'm in right now and they can't even trust me to drive their car? are you serious? just kus their cars are "better" or "newer" than mine? or what? just kus i'm with tupes, who has no license yet, but is in the process? ughz. act like ima let him drive and risk us getting into another shit with their car? ughz. man. fuck em. they're only my friends when they need something or when they need my fuckin help. i don't really give a flying fuck about these folkz anymore.

surrender

i think i'm giving up on life. either that.. or i might have to just move back home. there's too much stress down here. i don't have a job. i'm slacking in school. my car got impounded for 30 days and i'd need to pay $1300+ just to get it back. ughz. what a life. i don't know what else to do. after 2 months, we're done with the lease.. and i'd have no home. because i have no money for rent. no money for gas to take me anywhere. no nothing. so what do i do? i surrender.

FUCK THE COPS!

live . learn . grow

first of all.. what is an epiphany?

e⋅piph⋅a⋅ny
–noun, plural -nies

• A sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
• A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization

soooo i realize that my best thoughts come to me right before i fall asleep. i wanted to blog so bad last night because i was thinking about some things. but i just ended up falling asleep. lol. so i promised myself to remember what i was thinking about and blog about it today.

thought one:
i noticed that all the guys i've had a relationship with [i'm not about to name alll of the guys kus y'all don't need to know, but i'm sure some of you do. lol], have three things in common: all have chinky-ish eyes [some more chinky than others], all have fat ass lips [nothing wrong with that], and all play basketball. isn't it a little ironic? lol. kina makes me laugh.

anyway.. the bigger thought:
as i was thinking about what my ex's have in common, i began to think about something else. or rather.. one of them in particular. the last few months i was with jay, i admit, i fucked up big time. now, this isn't where i say "i miss him" and all the other bullshit, kus i don't. i would be lying to myself and my readers if i did. i was just thinking about how bad things got for us. i realized that i had changed while living down here and i realized that, from the beginning, jay had been putting more effort in our relationship than i ever did. during high school, yea i'd come to delano to see him, but i wanted to visit the friends i made and his family more than coming just to see him you know? i feel that, he bought me love. with all the things he bought me, or would do for me, it felt wrong.
i just.. i feel bad now that i think about it. but shit, things happen. but sometimes, those things happen for a good reason. i fell "in love" too fast and too young with him. and when i came across something different in a place where i knew nothing of, i didn't know how to handle it soo i made a decision that would alter my life and sort of, renew everything that i knew. i cried for jay, not because i didn't want to leave him, but because i felt bad for doing what i did. i cried because i knew i was hurting him. it hurts me to see others get hurt because of something i did. i cried because i wasn't myself, and i cried just because i've been wanting [and needed] to let it out.

i'm not a bad person. sometimes, people just fall out of love. and that was my situation. i could've handled it a little better but i can't take anything back now. i'm happy and content with my life as it is now. being with tupes feels like we balance each other out. something jay and i lacked. what i did was a learning experience that i have to live with. no looking back, just straight ahead for new obstacles to overcome.

you live. you learn. you grow.

3:17am

what we have isn't exactly a fairy tale story. all the laughter and smiles aren't even half of the real deal. we argue more than anything and i'm really getting sick&tired of it. if i don't want to go out, please appreciate&respect my decision and don't put a guilt trip on me. I just don't want to go. we argue about the smallest things, the bigger things, the more stupid things.. we argue about food, we argue about where to go, what to do, we argue about anything and everything.

from the beginning i told you that i hated to argue and fight. but that's all we do. it's not normal for us anymore. it was ur resolution but look at us. you talk to me like i'm a fuckin guy. like you wanna call me out. "fuck you this" and "fuck you that" "ur a fuckin liar" "hey bitch.. blah blah". every argument, you blame on me. that i make it worse. i don't. i reason with you and when i do, you take it as arguing with you and you begin to throw F-bombs in every sentence. i, in turn, get mad and throw some F-bombs at you as well in my defense.

ughz. we talked about our differences and why we argue. and i thought we understood each other. but i guess not.

I just found out that you didn't stop with your girls until during our 3rd-4th month a couple of nights ago. i felt betrayed and lied to.. and it makes me think, what if he didn't stop 3-4 months? what if he's still doing it? i know we live together and everything but we have our own secrets. you met me on myspace, so why can't you hide someone else from me like how you hid her away from me &how you hid me away from her.

it's not fair to find these things out so late in time. I gave him all of me. I chose him over another. I stopped flirting with other guys and then this? I feel that there's so much more he hasn't told me since we've been together and I feel that I might not really know him as much as i do.

I don't want to be taken advantage of or taken for granted. If it's money you want, then I'll help you in anyway I can. If you need a place to stay you can keep staying here. If you need company I'll still be your friend. But please, if you're reading this, stop what you're doing if you're doing anything at all.

When I asked you why you said you love me and how you knew you did, you said you didn't know. How do i know when you say you love me now that you're not just saying it? How do i know if you just love me or if you're in love with me? There's a lot of things that make me re-think our relationship. and that happens to be one of them.

please stop arguing with me. it's not doing us any good. the next time i ask you why you love me and how you knew, please give me an answer because if you still don't know, then i'll know you don't love me at all.

winter break

Winter break isn't so bad. just a whole lot of headaches from sleeping in so much and laying on my bed watching tv in the room. I've just been praying, wishing, hoping that I get a fuckin job soon and that my mom passes her boards. Why does it have to be so fuckin hard. She's taken the test 5x already.. and nothing. She's 45 now, when will she finally have the spotlight on her and get what she deserves. It just sucks you know. I'm her oldest, I will be 21 this year, and I still rely on my mom for help. I try not to but she offers and you know Filipino moms.. when they offer, you have to take it.. it'll piss em off if you don't. So I do and whenever I do, it makes me feel bad inside that I'm not doing anything to help her.. my brother is. My brother who's barely turning 18 this month helps my mom financially. Even if it's not a lot, he still does. While I'm here, doing nothing at home, waiting for school to start and waiting for my financial aid just so I have money to spend. It really does suck tho. I want a job soooo bad.

Why can't you hear my prayers?

Sooo, Tupes and I are also planning to move. It's not that I don't like my roommates kus they're both super dope.. it's just.. I'm kind of tired of having roommates? I think rooming with friends somewhat ruins the friendship I have with them. I mean, not ruin but, ughz. Let's see.. how can I put it? We realize how we really are when we live together and well, some habits that I didn't know before are really annoying to me and I think it's better off that we stop. But.. in order to move, I, we [tupes&i] need jobs to save up money for future rent. Ughz. I haaaaate this.

I owe my brother $300. gosh.

I miss my dad. I just heard today that a couple of my family members on his side of the family are in the hospital. I love that I'm closer to his side of the family than my moms side because my dad's side is dope. I just hate that they're all in the motherland. Hopefully we come through with this years trip. I miss our annual trips to the Philippines. Too bad it's hella expensive. Ughz.

Why can't there be a How-To in becoming a nurse?
Process takes forever.

So Tupes got a hair cut. Lol. And he complains everytime I tell him "you're cute" kus he says I rarely ever say it. I don't like to express my feelings besides saying "i love you" and okay, fine.. I don't really compliment him as much as.. I should? But hey, I'm starting to and he better get used to it. Although, I didn't really tell him but, when he wears a hat and how his hair is.. it reminds me of.. ehh. LOL. ANYWAY! lol ahah.. He's being funny right now. With his rotten milk story and shnuff. LOL. He can't shit.. just pebbles come out. Gross right. ahah. Idk.. lately we've just been laughing a lot. Maybe kus his new year's resolution was to not argue with me. But really tho? For a whole year? We'll see about that. Hope it works? Let's just keep laughing, it's healthy for us didn't you know? I love him super much. We're closing in on a year and I've just realized how quick the past year has gone between us two. And to think he's been living with me for most of the time we've been together? Damn.

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect; you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze, and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. "
-Bob Marley

This must be the longest blog I've ever typed up on this thing.. I guess I just have a lot to say since I haven't really been blogging? Idk.. but I'll save some for another day. Time to comment the hubba bubbas. I think he has diarrhea right now. LOL.

start anew..

first blog of 2009; belated happy new year everyone!
spent 5 days in manteca after christmas which felt FOREVER! i love my family, wish i coulda spent the countdown with them kus i know my momma always cries. and when i called what did she do? cried. lol. but that's how she is. and the brotha spent it with his girl while i'm down here with the roomies, friends, and the hubba bubbas.
the trip back home was suuuuper dope. it felt so long because i was doing something everyday when we were up there. it was the first time i actually hung out with my closest girl friends. had a girls night to just talk and catch up. laugh here laugh there. sigh. best best best.

as for this year, i wish for things to look up for me. do better in school and finally get a job because i really really need one. both tupers & i. bella's gettin really big. she's just our big baby. i hope to never get scared of her when she's fully grown. she likes to sleep with us on the bed kus she's a princess. lol ahha. she snores just like her daddy and likes to sleep on her back. she makes me smile and grit my teeth kus she's so cute.

lately, i've been looking at tupes in a slightly different way. i'm really really really happy with him. and i know between us two, there's no such thing as forever, but i hope, and hopefully he hopes too, that we'll stay together for a long time. aahha. don't wanna jinx anything you know. but yeaa. i like to watch him sleep and just lay there and look at him. creepy i know. but i love him :]

anyway aside from that stuff. i really do wish and hope that 2009 will be a better year than 2008. i want to accomplish so many things and in order to do so, i have to stop certain things for a while and get my head on straight to focus on school and a job. i just want the best for myself and my family and of course tupes. we're stuggling pretty bad and i'm just starting to wonder when things will look up for us.

wish us luck!