e⋅piph⋅a⋅ny
–noun, plural -nies
- A sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
- A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization
soooo i realize that my best thoughts come to me right before i fall asleep. i wanted to blog so bad last night because i was thinking about some things. but i just ended up falling asleep. lol. so i promised myself to remember what i was thinking about and blog about it today.
thought one:
i noticed that all the guys i've had a relationship with [i'm not about to name alll of the guys kus y'all don't need to know, but i'm sure some of you do. lol], have three things in common: all have chinky-ish eyes [some more chinky than others], all have fat ass lips [nothing wrong with that], and all play basketball. isn't it a little ironic? lol. kina makes me laugh.
anyway.. the bigger thought:
as i was thinking about what my ex's have in common, i began to think about something else. or rather.. one of them in particular. the last few months i was with jay, i admit, i fucked up big time. now, this isn't where i say "i miss him" and all the other bullshit, kus i don't. i would be lying to myself and my readers if i did. i was just thinking about how bad things got for us. i realized that i had changed while living down here and i realized that, from the beginning, jay had been putting more effort in our relationship than i ever did. during high school, yea i'd come to delano to see him, but i wanted to visit the friends i made and his family more than coming just to see him you know? i feel that, he bought me love. with all the things he bought me, or would do for me, it felt wrong.
i just.. i feel bad now that i think about it. but shit, things happen. but sometimes, those things happen for a good reason. i fell "in love" too fast and too young with him. and when i came across something different in a place where i knew nothing of, i didn't know how to handle it soo i made a decision that would alter my life and sort of, renew everything that i knew. i cried for jay, not because i didn't want to leave him, but because i felt bad for doing what i did. i cried because i knew i was hurting him. it hurts me to see others get hurt because of something i did. i cried because i wasn't myself, and i cried just because i've been wanting [and needed] to let it out.
i'm not a bad person. sometimes, people just fall out of love. and that was my situation. i could've handled it a little better but i can't take anything back now. i'm happy and content with my life as it is now. being with tupes feels like we balance each other out. something jay and i lacked. what i did was a learning experience that i have to live with. no looking back, just straight ahead for new obstacles to overcome.
you live. you learn. you grow.
