3:17am

what we have isn't exactly a fairy tale story. all the laughter and smiles aren't even half of the real deal. we argue more than anything and i'm really getting sick&tired of it. if i don't want to go out, please appreciate&respect my decision and don't put a guilt trip on me. I just don't want to go. we argue about the smallest things, the bigger things, the more stupid things.. we argue about food, we argue about where to go, what to do, we argue about anything and everything.

from the beginning i told you that i hated to argue and fight. but that's all we do. it's not normal for us anymore. it was ur resolution but look at us. you talk to me like i'm a fuckin guy. like you wanna call me out. "fuck you this" and "fuck you that" "ur a fuckin liar" "hey bitch.. blah blah". every argument, you blame on me. that i make it worse. i don't. i reason with you and when i do, you take it as arguing with you and you begin to throw F-bombs in every sentence. i, in turn, get mad and throw some F-bombs at you as well in my defense.

ughz. we talked about our differences and why we argue. and i thought we understood each other. but i guess not.

I just found out that you didn't stop with your girls until during our 3rd-4th month a couple of nights ago. i felt betrayed and lied to.. and it makes me think, what if he didn't stop 3-4 months? what if he's still doing it? i know we live together and everything but we have our own secrets. you met me on myspace, so why can't you hide someone else from me like how you hid her away from me &how you hid me away from her.

it's not fair to find these things out so late in time. I gave him all of me. I chose him over another. I stopped flirting with other guys and then this? I feel that there's so much more he hasn't told me since we've been together and I feel that I might not really know him as much as i do.

I don't want to be taken advantage of or taken for granted. If it's money you want, then I'll help you in anyway I can. If you need a place to stay you can keep staying here. If you need company I'll still be your friend. But please, if you're reading this, stop what you're doing if you're doing anything at all.

When I asked you why you said you love me and how you knew you did, you said you didn't know. How do i know when you say you love me now that you're not just saying it? How do i know if you just love me or if you're in love with me? There's a lot of things that make me re-think our relationship. and that happens to be one of them.

please stop arguing with me. it's not doing us any good. the next time i ask you why you love me and how you knew, please give me an answer because if you still don't know, then i'll know you don't love me at all.

winter break

Winter break isn't so bad. just a whole lot of headaches from sleeping in so much and laying on my bed watching tv in the room. I've just been praying, wishing, hoping that I get a fuckin job soon and that my mom passes her boards. Why does it have to be so fuckin hard. She's taken the test 5x already.. and nothing. She's 45 now, when will she finally have the spotlight on her and get what she deserves. It just sucks you know. I'm her oldest, I will be 21 this year, and I still rely on my mom for help. I try not to but she offers and you know Filipino moms.. when they offer, you have to take it.. it'll piss em off if you don't. So I do and whenever I do, it makes me feel bad inside that I'm not doing anything to help her.. my brother is. My brother who's barely turning 18 this month helps my mom financially. Even if it's not a lot, he still does. While I'm here, doing nothing at home, waiting for school to start and waiting for my financial aid just so I have money to spend. It really does suck tho. I want a job soooo bad.

Why can't you hear my prayers?

Sooo, Tupes and I are also planning to move. It's not that I don't like my roommates kus they're both super dope.. it's just.. I'm kind of tired of having roommates? I think rooming with friends somewhat ruins the friendship I have with them. I mean, not ruin but, ughz. Let's see.. how can I put it? We realize how we really are when we live together and well, some habits that I didn't know before are really annoying to me and I think it's better off that we stop. But.. in order to move, I, we [tupes&i] need jobs to save up money for future rent. Ughz. I haaaaate this.

I owe my brother $300. gosh.

I miss my dad. I just heard today that a couple of my family members on his side of the family are in the hospital. I love that I'm closer to his side of the family than my moms side because my dad's side is dope. I just hate that they're all in the motherland. Hopefully we come through with this years trip. I miss our annual trips to the Philippines. Too bad it's hella expensive. Ughz.

Why can't there be a How-To in becoming a nurse?
Process takes forever.

So Tupes got a hair cut. Lol. And he complains everytime I tell him "you're cute" kus he says I rarely ever say it. I don't like to express my feelings besides saying "i love you" and okay, fine.. I don't really compliment him as much as.. I should? But hey, I'm starting to and he better get used to it. Although, I didn't really tell him but, when he wears a hat and how his hair is.. it reminds me of.. ehh. LOL. ANYWAY! lol ahah.. He's being funny right now. With his rotten milk story and shnuff. LOL. He can't shit.. just pebbles come out. Gross right. ahah. Idk.. lately we've just been laughing a lot. Maybe kus his new year's resolution was to not argue with me. But really tho? For a whole year? We'll see about that. Hope it works? Let's just keep laughing, it's healthy for us didn't you know? I love him super much. We're closing in on a year and I've just realized how quick the past year has gone between us two. And to think he's been living with me for most of the time we've been together? Damn.

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect; you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze, and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. "
-Bob Marley

This must be the longest blog I've ever typed up on this thing.. I guess I just have a lot to say since I haven't really been blogging? Idk.. but I'll save some for another day. Time to comment the hubba bubbas. I think he has diarrhea right now. LOL.

start anew..

first blog of 2009; belated happy new year everyone!
spent 5 days in manteca after christmas which felt FOREVER! i love my family, wish i coulda spent the countdown with them kus i know my momma always cries. and when i called what did she do? cried. lol. but that's how she is. and the brotha spent it with his girl while i'm down here with the roomies, friends, and the hubba bubbas.
the trip back home was suuuuper dope. it felt so long because i was doing something everyday when we were up there. it was the first time i actually hung out with my closest girl friends. had a girls night to just talk and catch up. laugh here laugh there. sigh. best best best.

as for this year, i wish for things to look up for me. do better in school and finally get a job because i really really need one. both tupers & i. bella's gettin really big. she's just our big baby. i hope to never get scared of her when she's fully grown. she likes to sleep with us on the bed kus she's a princess. lol ahha. she snores just like her daddy and likes to sleep on her back. she makes me smile and grit my teeth kus she's so cute.

lately, i've been looking at tupes in a slightly different way. i'm really really really happy with him. and i know between us two, there's no such thing as forever, but i hope, and hopefully he hopes too, that we'll stay together for a long time. aahha. don't wanna jinx anything you know. but yeaa. i like to watch him sleep and just lay there and look at him. creepy i know. but i love him :]

anyway aside from that stuff. i really do wish and hope that 2009 will be a better year than 2008. i want to accomplish so many things and in order to do so, i have to stop certain things for a while and get my head on straight to focus on school and a job. i just want the best for myself and my family and of course tupes. we're stuggling pretty bad and i'm just starting to wonder when things will look up for us.

wish us luck!